Doing Taxes Takes on A Whole New Meaning

One of the highlights of the meaningful Zoom memorial service that good friend and spiritual leader Jimmy Levinson led for my late husband Murray was when he shared some of Murray’s hobbies and then invited each of those present to raise their hand if they also had that hobby and would think of Murray when they did that.  Among Murray’s hobbies were hiking, gardening and photography.  While taxes were certainly not a hobby, Murray always did ours, first by hand and in later years using Turbo Tax.  

While this year was a bit more complicated due to his passing I decided that a way to honor Murray was to continue with his tradition and to do the taxes myself using Turbo Tax instead of organizing them and sending them off to an accountant.  I am really glad I did.  As I worked on them I felt a real closeness to Murray and a satisfaction of knowing that I was honoring the way he did things.

Now…. Let me be honest, Turbo Tax has an upgrade where they offer 24/7 chat or phone calls and I took that upgrade and did I use it.  I never hesitated to call them or chat whenever I had a question and they took their time working me through the questions and the inputting of information.  Numbers and math have never been my thing but I did do the easy 990 form for my non-profit dance company and the financial statements for both the dance company and Healing Voices.  

It has now been just over 6 months since Murray passed.  I miss him a lot and find ways to both keep him in my memory and to honor our years together.  This May 6th would have been his 81st birthday and I wanted to make a contribution in his memory.  With the devastating news out of India I knew I wanted to make a contribution to an organization in India.  I reached out to my good friend Jimmy Levinson to ask what his son Noah’s organization, Calcutta Kids, was doing related to COVID and Jimmy shared that they were setting up a vaccination site.  I decided to donate to Calcutta Kids knowing that it was a small organization that I have supported in the past and that they have made and are making a difference in young children and moms’ lives starting with pre-natal care.  Here’s a link to their organization in case it interests you: https://calcuttakids.org

I close this blog with a few favorite recent pictures of Murray! (Photos were taken between 2015 – 2018.)

Visiting Fallingwaters, Achitect Frank Lloyd Wright’s famous house outside of Pittsburgh, PA
At Morraine Lake, Banff National Park in the Canadian Rockies.  Murray and I visited there on our honeymoon and always talked of going back.  We did, 53 years later.
Murray sipping a drink around the pool at a resort in Cancun!

[print_link]

Transition: News, Art and Personal Life

There is no way of escaping the use of the word “transition” when you turn on the news.  It is extremely disturbing how there simply is not the normal process of one President passing the baton to the next. The citizens of the U.S. are left in a state of suspension, a most uncomfortable feeling. And yet in a way that is its own form of transition. An abrupt sudden change.  And with this kind of transition in the midst of a pandemic the potential is there for unnecessary deaths and much pain.

As a choreographer my goal was to make a piece in which the transitions were seamless.  One section flowed appropriately into the next.  2020 is a year of major transitions for me with each one challenging me in a new way.  They are not seamless like a good piece of choreography nor are they sudden and abrupt.  Hints of what comes next have helped prepare me.  In reflecting I have had three major personal transitions and experienced a fourth, worldwide transition.   I share some of my thoughts on each of these. 

The first major transition, which I have already written about, was when Murray and I decided to sell our house in Santa Fe and move to Costa Rica, buying a house in Atenas.  Learning how to live in a new country, run a house with a beautiful garden and learn Spanish are indeed challenges in themselves.  Things got more complicated when Murray’s health problems continued to surface after we had been here just two weeks.  And they continued, except for the month of April, until the end of October when he passed. Now I am transitioning to being on my own. In the midst of all of this, COVID-19 changed all of our lives and we all made a rapid transition to learning how to use FaceTime and Zoom as our major ways of connecting with each other.  

Murray and I were very fortunate that neither of us had a major illness that required much caretaking of the other during the 56 years we were together.  While Murray had been diagnosed with heart issues quite a few years ago he did not have a serious incident until just a few weeks before we were due to leave for Costa Rica.  The doctors OK’d our plans to continue our move to Costa Rica after Murray responded well to a pacemaker.  

From mid-February to mid-July I gradually transitioned into my role of caretaking.  It was challenging for both of us because Murray loved his independence and it was very hard for him to be in a wheelchair needing help to get around. We had help during the day with our full-time house manager/driver/cook who developed a wonderful relationship with Murray (which will be a separate blog). We also had a nurse’s help for a few hours several days a week.  But from 4 pm to 9 am and on the weekend we were on our own and often liked that quiet time together.  Since Murray needed help to and from the bathroom at night I learned how to function on interrupted night-time sleep.  A conscious decision was made by Murray that he did not want to go back to the hospital and I supported that 100%.  In Costa Rica, doctors still make house calls and lab technicians come to the house too so that made things so much easier. 

So many times we expressed our joy and relief to be in Costa Rica and not the U.S. at this time with COVID changing things so much in the U.S. and not so much here.  We were very careful.  Murray did not go out of the house at all after mid-July and I only went to the grocery, pharmacy or bank.  Most of all Murray was able to continue enjoying our beautiful garden here.  And when he was indoors all the rooms have large windows treating his eye to one beautiful section of the property after another.  One of our favorite views was (and still is mine) looking out to the butterfly/hummingbird garden we put in where there had been a non-functioning Jacuzzi.  In particular, the butterflies were very regular visitors.  A gradual transition was progressing as Murray’s concentration and strength weakened and I had more caretaking roles. Given the option of having the nurse here more, especially on the weekend or after 4, I chose not to take it for several reasons. There was a peacefulness of just us being here together and I could keep things more normal.  That’s not to say there weren’t frustrating moments for both of us or that I didn’t sometimes feel overwhelmed.  

View from the bedroom window of the broken Jacuzzi that we turned into a garden.

We really missed family and loved the group Zoom calls with our daughters and grandchildren.  Murray so cherished and looked forward to them.  Yes… it would have been super if family could have been here but, like all the world, we were and are adapting to new ways of living because of the pandemic.  And over and over I felt and feel deep gratitude that Murray could transition in our home in a setting of sheer beauty.   

 Via Zoom we were able to have a meaningful memorial for him.  It was organized by our daughters and granddaughter, with a slideshow that brought both smiles and tears to me.  Led by my next-door neighbor growing up, who shared playing in the Allderdice High School Orchestra with Murray, the memorial had a very personal touch.  Although alone in Costa Rica, I felt so much love and warmth during the service and from feedback afterwards.  I am very grateful that our daughters and granddaughter went forward with this at a time I was just plain exhausted.

Now it is a month later and I am making another transition.  It is filled with a combination of missing Murray and the grief that goes with that, along with lots of questions. Most of the questions are just that… open questions which will take time to explore and for me to figure out.  They center around how I want to structure my daily life, from when to eat, what to eat, and what my body rhythm is.  How do I want to structure my creative activities?  Except for writing this blog (and not as regularly as I wanted to; I love and want to get back to the once-a-week schedule), I haven’t painted much [or done other creative work] at all.  So much time is spent with paperwork after a person dies, and while a lot has been accomplished there is much more to do.  That too is a major part of the transition.  

Some things are becoming clearer.  Meditation is playing a bigger role each day and I am finding it very meaningful to start each day with a half hour of meditation followed by some journal writing.  Being part of a Buddhist book group has also become important.  When asked whether I plan to return to the U.S., the answer is I have no plans [to move back] at this time, but down the road when perhaps there is a closer-to-normal lifestyle I will look forward to some visits.  I will keep a legal address in the U.S., and maintaining the ability to vote and stay connected is important to me.  I am glad to be continuing to work on a film begun nearly two years ago, on men’s experience of domestic violence and what services are available to them.  There is still much to be done related to domestic violence, and our film company Healing Voices – Personal Stories is very important to me.

The haunting question with no answer is why I feel so connected to being here in Costa Rica and what my purpose is here.  I feel so fortunate to be living in such a beautiful setting that Murray and I fell in love with a year ago.  His presence is very much here, from the papaya tree he planted from seed in March, which is now producing papaya,  to our careful selection of just some minimal furnishings.  For right now I am settling in and the answers will emerge.

The Papaya tree that Murray planted from a seed in March.
A close up of the papayas forming on the tree.

[print_link]

Maggie – Reconnecting and Supporting The Peaceful Project

When we were living in Tallahassee back in the 1980’s with young children, Maggie helped to take care of Julie and Rachel after school while I was busy at The Creative Dance Center.  Later she would dance in The Avodah Dance Ensemble.  We lost touch with each other for a number of years. Then a few years ago she moved to Santa Fe and we reconnected.  She and her husband Bill were helping us as we got ready to leave for Costa Rica. Maggie had bought some of my art and was enthusiastic about both my art and Murray’s photography.  Over the years Murray and I had created quite a lot, and after making it available for sale in Santa Fe, we weren’t sure what to do with what was left . In some discussions with Maggie and Bill the idea emerged that she and Bill would take the remaining collection with the instructions “to use it to benefit The Peaceful Project,” a non-profit organization whose mission is meaningful to us. 

The Peaceful Project’s mission is “to inspire individuals to foster peaceful relationships based on personal responsibility, collaboration, and leadership.” Here’s a link to their website. (https://www.thepeacefulproject.org)

The original plans were to do a special fundraiser where our art would be available for sale. Instead, it is being done virtually!  Here what Maggie has sent out:

You may have received an email asking you to save a date in April for a special fundraiser for The Peaceful Project, The Art of Peace.  Instead – with our current world of social distancing –  we are going to get the ball rolling right now and do a part of it virtually!   This will open up the event to an even wider audience than those who could attend a live event in Santa Fe.  Instead of distancing, connect with art! 

This all began when friends  JoAnne and Murray Tucker generously gifted me with a delightful collection of JoAnne’s art and Murray’s photography.  Their instructions were “to use it to benefit The Peaceful Project”.  So we are!  

Today we present a collection of ten of JoAnne’s pastels, all florals.  Take a look and choose the ones that speak to you.    

If you are not local to Santa Fe, we will tube the pastels of your choice and ship them to your door.  If you are local, we will deliver.

Here’s a link to where you can see the 9 pastels still available for sale.  If you scroll up you can read all the details about how to own one yourself.https://myemail.constantcontact.com/The-Art-of-Peace–A-Different-Sort-of-Event-.html?soid=1104176519269&aid=irO9_gNXRUA#Pastel

Please share the link with your friends and let’s help The Peaceful Project.  Thank you, Maggie, for the super work you are doing.

[print_link]

Leaving Juilliard

Sometimes events surprise you and life takes a turn you hadn’t expected.  That happened in late May of 1962 when I was flying home having completed my first year at Juilliard.  About half way through the short flight from NYC to Pittsburgh, I got a tap on my shoulder.  A male voice said, “I think we know each other.”  I was aware I was wearing a scoop-neck dress and I thought hmm… he must be getting an interesting sight…  Anyway it turned out we indeed did know each other.  Murray Tucker and I had gone out on a date a few years back when I had directed a water ballet at the country club both of our parents belonged to.  His sister Lynne had been one of the youth I directed.  That year’s water ballet was a bit humorous, making fun of the Pittsburgh Steelers football team.  Their dad was Joe Tucker, the Voice of the Pittsburgh Steelers.  Lynne had introduced Murray and me, and I had asked if he could do a takeoff on his father and announce the water ballet.

Anyway that was how we met and then we had gone out on an actual date to see the Ice Capades. Neither one of us was interested in the other at that time.  We hadn’t seen each other since then.  We chatted for a few minutes on the plane and when we walked off the plane we noticed that our parents were talking to each other.  We saw each other a few times before I took off for a summer job teaching dance at a camp.  We saw each other again at the end of the summer and continued corresponding and seeing each other at school breaks.  Definitely the romance was building and I could see a future with Murray.

At the same time, while I loved my classes and study at Juilliard I was becoming aware of several other things.  I was surrounded by many talented dancers and I saw my limitations particularly as a performer.  The company I aspired to be a part of was The Martha Graham Company.  I loved the technique and her choreography. I was also realistic that my chances were not great to get into the Company.  And even more important was that the more I hung around the Graham studio and began to meet some of the newest members of the company the more disappointed I became.  Sometimes I would help sew costumes late in the evening at the Graham studio to earn some money and would see Martha wandering around fairly intoxicated, looking for where she might find a bottle with some more liquor in it. That was shattering my illusion of a very talented creative person.  I knew this was a challenging time for her as she was still performing her lead roles but not with the same energy or technique that she had earlier. She must have been wrestling with how to retire from performing.  As has been documented in biographies and articles about her, this was very difficult for her.  

In her autobiography Blood Memory she wrote: “[When I stopped dancing] I had lost my will to live. I stayed home alone, ate very little, and drank too much and brooded.  My face was ruined, and people say I looked odd, which I agreed with. Finally my system just gave in. I was in the hospital for a long time, much of it in a coma.” (Quote is from Wikipedia; no page number is given. https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Martha_Graham)

Anna Kisselgoff, in an excellent article for The New York Times writes about this period, “To give up dancing, Graham felt, meant to give up her life.”  Kisselgoff continues “After a severe depression and a two-year illness in the early 1970’s, Graham actively resumed working with her company.” Here’s the link to the article, which gives an excellent picture of Martha and her company up to 1984, the time the article was written.  https://www.nytimes.com/1984/02/19/magazine/martha-graham.html

While my time at the studio was seven or eight years before Martha’s severe depression, clearly the seeds were apparent to all around her and gave me much to think about.  But I was very inspired by her choreography, her technique and her wonderful way of expressing a philosophy of life.  Just Google “Martha Graham quotes” and links to a number of websites are listed. Here’s one “Top 25 Quotes of Martha Graham.”  And they are not just about dance. They are about a philosophy of life.  https://www.azquotes.com/author/5783-Martha_Graham

Her classes were sprinkled with inspiration on how to be a dancer, a creative person and how to reach your full potential.  I was so disappointed to see such a person – who inspired and was such an innovator – not happy.  Of course, I was a young 20-year old not mature enough or able to understand the challenges that life brings and also the challenges that a very passionate and creative genius deals with.  

I also sensed the strong competition among the younger company members and the lack of kindness that they showed each other.  Was this an environment I wanted to be part of?  I was no longer sure.  I was also aware that I had completed one important goal… I had made it through all three levels of Louis Horst’s Composition Program, and to be a choreographer remained a key desire of mine.

At the end of my second year I went home to Pittsburgh filled with these thoughts and beginning to consider returning to Pittsburgh and maybe building a life with Murray. The summer went well and I made the decision not to return to Juilliard and to attend academic classes at the University of Pittsburgh.  I have never for one moment regretted that choice.  We were married a year later and what a rich, loving, sometimes challenging and amazing journey we have been on since then.

A favorite wedding picture, August 1964

[print_link]

How the Avodah Dance Ensemble Got Its Name

It’s late summer 1974 and the events of the past two years are serving as motivation to find a structure to expand and formalize what clearly feels like the right direction for my dance talents at this time. I think I want to start a non-profit organization with the mission of expressing Jewish liturgy, text and history through dance and music.  Several people, among them my musical collaborator Irving Fleet, have agreed to be on the board and we already have a lawyer who is donating his services to get us going.  Now we need a name.

For two years Irving and I had been studying the Jewish Siddur (prayer book) as explained by the very prominent Rabbi Solomon B. Freehof, who had also been my childhood rabbi. His book The Small Sanctuary had been a wonderful introduction for us. Also helpful were discussions with Rabbi Stanley Garfein, of the Temple in Tallahassee, Florida where both of our families were members at the time.  One section of the Yom Kippur High Holiday service intrigued me because it was a retelling of Jewish history from creation to the sacred rituals done on Yom Kippur by the High Priest before the destruction of the Second Temple. It is called the Avodah Service and the word Avodah means “work” in modern Hebrew and “sacred work” in Biblical Hebrew.  In a meeting with Stanley he shared that the word was often used in a phrase: Avodah Sh’Balev meaning work of the heart!  All uses of the word Avodah fit for me.  Being a dancer and running a dance company is indeed WORK.  And in the context of what we had been doing for the previous year it felt like sacred work and work of the heart.  So the new organization would be called Avodah and the dance company The Avodah Dance Ensemble.  Adding the word Ensemble was especially important to me. Kezia just reminded me that I wrote about this in a 1989 Avodah Newsletter:

Back in 1974, when wrestling with a name for a dance company, I especially chose to include the word “ensemble” with Avodah. Ensemble—“a group of complementary parts that contribute to a single effect” – was the goal I had in mind, where the members of the dance company would balance each other and contribute dynamically to creating unity.

And indeed this proved to be very true over the years with an amazing group of dancers, musicians, writers, visual artists and storytellers sharing their talents.

But back to the beginning. My husband Murray and I moved to Tallahassee, Florida from Washington, DC in the summer of 1970.  Murray taught at Florida State University while I focused on settling the kids (then 1 ½ and  3 ½ years old) and writing my dissertation.  It was good fortune that my major professor from the University of Wisconsin, where I had done all my course work and taken exams, had also relocated to Tallahassee accepting an appointment in the Theatre Department.  Writing the dissertation was lonely and required all my perseverance skills and I was very glad that Joe Karioth was able to still work with me even though he was no longer on the Wisconsin faculty.  A year later I returned to Madison, to defend my dissertation entitled “The Use of Creative Dramatics as an Aid in Developing Reading Readiness with Kindergarten Children.”  Perhaps I will write more about Wisconsin and the work I did in Creative Dramatics, which naturally included a lot of creative movement, at a later time. Once the dissertation was done it became clear that there weren’t many academic teaching opportunities in Tallahassee and I would need to forge my own path.

Loving to teach and work with children in creative dramatics and movement, I focused on how I could build upon those interests.  With the encouragement and support of a friend, Carolyn Davis, I approached Temple Israel about whether I could direct dance and drama activities as part of their religious education program, and also use space in their building to teach regular modern dance and creative dramatics classes. And that is what I did and how I was asked by the sisterhood to be director of a mini-musical they wanted to do based on Fiddler on the Roof.

I agreed as long as I had a good musical director.  They had someone in mind right away.  I have saved the program from the mini-musical named “Tradition” and here is Irving Fleet’s bio:

Irving Fleet, our musical director, is an orthodontist who has always had a big interest in music.  He played the piano frequently as a student in Tallahassee schools and in college as a soloist and recitalist.  He was the first organist of Temple Israel and started playing for the congregation even before the present synagogue was built. He last appeared in Tallahassee as piano soloist with the Tallahassee Symphony Orchestra in 1963-64. Presently, his biggest area of interest is composing, and he has written a number of songs for voice and piano pieces. 

“Fiddler on the Roof” has always been a favorite show of mine, ever since I saw it on Broadway during its original run.  I have also always felt close to the production because I knew two original cast members. Sammy Bayes, a townsperson who later played the fiddler, was at Perry-Mansfield Performing Arts Camp the same summer I was there and we had both been in a piece choreographed by Helen Tamiris. Sue Babel, who played Grandma Tzeitel, had been at Connecticut College Summer Program in Dance the same summer I was there.

With the script having been adapted to run about half of the time of the original show, Irving and I faced our first task: casting the production.  Lots of members of the community showed up and I was particularly taken with Rueben Capelouto’s audition for Tevye.  Irving agreed that his audition was great but was worried about the fact Rueben stuttered.  I was shocked … I didn’t know him outside of just meeting him for the audition and he never stuttered in auditioning for Tevye.  Others also kept cautioning me that he would be a poor choice.  My instincts kept saying that he would be perfect and so he was cast and indeed he was quite wonderful.

Rueben Capelouto as Tevye.  Photo by Evelyn Walborsky

“Tradition” proved to be a wonderful community success and gave me an excellent opportunity to get to know members of the community.  Many of them would continue to play a role in Avodah’s history.  For example, Marianne Mendelson, a high schooler at the time, played one of Teyve’s younger daughters.  Years later, while living in the New York area, she became Avodah’s treasurer for a number of years, a supporter of the dance company and a very good friend.

In going through my files to write this blog I found this poem which I read to the cast and which best describes what this experience meant to me.

When rehearsals first began
There were shouts… cries
Sarcastic utterances
“I can’t do that
I’m not a professional
She’s crazy
I’ll never learn my lines!”
Expression of fears and apprehensions of the task that lay ahead.

We’ve come along way from those first weeks
Lines have been learned
Characters developed
Scenes added
Change after change made
Always our goal clearly in sight “A production to make the congregation proud.”

As director, the bulk of my task is done
Thursday nite, after final dress
I sat down, reflected
And made these notes
No matter what the final outcome, applause great or small,
There are certain thoughts which I have to share with this cast.

Each and everyone, from page turner, technical crew, villagers to Tevye,
Deserves praise for a job well done
Often I’ve been harsh
Critical and outspoken
Free with criticism
But limited with praise
Trying to fulfill my role as director, to push you as far as you can go.

The talent within this group is overwhelming
Beyond expectations
A challenge to work with
And watch develop so far
So.. to my professional crew, a special Equity card for everyone here.

Before reading the inscription on each of these cards
One last thought to share
Building a production
Creating a show
Is learning to live with each other, helping one another to do their very best.

We have each had our moments
Tempers lost
Frustrations and tensions revealed
Perhaps out of such moments, we’ve learned to grow
To know more about ourselves and how we get along with others.

For me, this experience has had many rewards
A creative challenge
A chance to use my skills
But most important of all
I’ve grown to feel at home here, in Tallahassee, to know and respect each one of you.

Irving and I had great fun working together.  We seemed to challenge each other to be more creative, complementing each other’s skills.  By the end of the two-performance weekend we were talking about writing an original musical theater piece together, for which I could be choreographer and director, and he could be composer and musical director. Next week I’ll write about where we went next!

[print_link]