There is no way of escaping the use of the word “transition” when you turn on the news. It is extremely disturbing how there simply is not the normal process of one President passing the baton to the next. The citizens of the U.S. are left in a state of suspension, a most uncomfortable feeling. And yet in a way that is its own form of transition. An abrupt sudden change. And with this kind of transition in the midst of a pandemic the potential is there for unnecessary deaths and much pain.
As a choreographer my goal was to make a piece in which the transitions were seamless. One section flowed appropriately into the next. 2020 is a year of major transitions for me with each one challenging me in a new way. They are not seamless like a good piece of choreography nor are they sudden and abrupt. Hints of what comes next have helped prepare me. In reflecting I have had three major personal transitions and experienced a fourth, worldwide transition. I share some of my thoughts on each of these.
The first major transition, which I have already written about, was when Murray and I decided to sell our house in Santa Fe and move to Costa Rica, buying a house in Atenas. Learning how to live in a new country, run a house with a beautiful garden and learn Spanish are indeed challenges in themselves. Things got more complicated when Murray’s health problems continued to surface after we had been here just two weeks. And they continued, except for the month of April, until the end of October when he passed. Now I am transitioning to being on my own. In the midst of all of this, COVID-19 changed all of our lives and we all made a rapid transition to learning how to use FaceTime and Zoom as our major ways of connecting with each other.
Murray and I were very fortunate that neither of us had a major illness that required much caretaking of the other during the 56 years we were together. While Murray had been diagnosed with heart issues quite a few years ago he did not have a serious incident until just a few weeks before we were due to leave for Costa Rica. The doctors OK’d our plans to continue our move to Costa Rica after Murray responded well to a pacemaker.
From mid-February to mid-July I gradually transitioned into my role of caretaking. It was challenging for both of us because Murray loved his independence and it was very hard for him to be in a wheelchair needing help to get around. We had help during the day with our full-time house manager/driver/cook who developed a wonderful relationship with Murray (which will be a separate blog). We also had a nurse’s help for a few hours several days a week. But from 4 pm to 9 am and on the weekend we were on our own and often liked that quiet time together. Since Murray needed help to and from the bathroom at night I learned how to function on interrupted night-time sleep. A conscious decision was made by Murray that he did not want to go back to the hospital and I supported that 100%. In Costa Rica, doctors still make house calls and lab technicians come to the house too so that made things so much easier.
So many times we expressed our joy and relief to be in Costa Rica and not the U.S. at this time with COVID changing things so much in the U.S. and not so much here. We were very careful. Murray did not go out of the house at all after mid-July and I only went to the grocery, pharmacy or bank. Most of all Murray was able to continue enjoying our beautiful garden here. And when he was indoors all the rooms have large windows treating his eye to one beautiful section of the property after another. One of our favorite views was (and still is mine) looking out to the butterfly/hummingbird garden we put in where there had been a non-functioning Jacuzzi. In particular, the butterflies were very regular visitors. A gradual transition was progressing as Murray’s concentration and strength weakened and I had more caretaking roles. Given the option of having the nurse here more, especially on the weekend or after 4, I chose not to take it for several reasons. There was a peacefulness of just us being here together and I could keep things more normal. That’s not to say there weren’t frustrating moments for both of us or that I didn’t sometimes feel overwhelmed.
We really missed family and loved the group Zoom calls with our daughters and grandchildren. Murray so cherished and looked forward to them. Yes… it would have been super if family could have been here but, like all the world, we were and are adapting to new ways of living because of the pandemic. And over and over I felt and feel deep gratitude that Murray could transition in our home in a setting of sheer beauty.
Via Zoom we were able to have a meaningful memorial for him. It was organized by our daughters and granddaughter, with a slideshow that brought both smiles and tears to me. Led by my next-door neighbor growing up, who shared playing in the Allderdice High School Orchestra with Murray, the memorial had a very personal touch. Although alone in Costa Rica, I felt so much love and warmth during the service and from feedback afterwards. I am very grateful that our daughters and granddaughter went forward with this at a time I was just plain exhausted.
Now it is a month later and I am making another transition. It is filled with a combination of missing Murray and the grief that goes with that, along with lots of questions. Most of the questions are just that… open questions which will take time to explore and for me to figure out. They center around how I want to structure my daily life, from when to eat, what to eat, and what my body rhythm is. How do I want to structure my creative activities? Except for writing this blog (and not as regularly as I wanted to; I love and want to get back to the once-a-week schedule), I haven’t painted much [or done other creative work] at all. So much time is spent with paperwork after a person dies, and while a lot has been accomplished there is much more to do. That too is a major part of the transition.
Some things are becoming clearer. Meditation is playing a bigger role each day and I am finding it very meaningful to start each day with a half hour of meditation followed by some journal writing. Being part of a Buddhist book group has also become important. When asked whether I plan to return to the U.S., the answer is I have no plans [to move back] at this time, but down the road when perhaps there is a closer-to-normal lifestyle I will look forward to some visits. I will keep a legal address in the U.S., and maintaining the ability to vote and stay connected is important to me. I am glad to be continuing to work on a film begun nearly two years ago, on men’s experience of domestic violence and what services are available to them. There is still much to be done related to domestic violence, and our film company Healing Voices – Personal Stories is very important to me.
The haunting question with no answer is why I feel so connected to being here in Costa Rica and what my purpose is here. I feel so fortunate to be living in such a beautiful setting that Murray and I fell in love with a year ago. His presence is very much here, from the papaya tree he planted from seed in March, which is now producing papaya, to our careful selection of just some minimal furnishings. For right now I am settling in and the answers will emerge.
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